Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Stop The World - I Want to Get Off...

It's always good to keep oneself updated with what's going on in the world around.

So, 30 minutes of the news around 10 p.m. on Wednesday, 25th July, 2007:

*An 'Exclusive Times Now' interview: with little Upasana...

...the 4 year old 'reincarnation' of Kalpana Chawla - who is accompanied by her mother. The plan is to apparently use the professional services of an eminent Dutch Regression Therapist to assess the validity of this claim.

However, since neither Upasana nor her mother speak English or Dutch, and the Dutch man's Hindi is a bit rusty, the interviewer is forced to translate the questions and answers between the three. He has just started questioning the mother about the pregnancy, when little Upasana unfortunately feels the pressure of the situation. She announces into her mother's mike with a child's characteristic frankness 'Mere ko tatti karni hai'. The mother matter-of-factly and rather unnecessarily repeats to the interviewer 'Isko tatti karni hai'. The interview is hastily put on hold - and then there is suddenly just stock footage of earlier interviews of the little girl.

I don't think they eventually came back with the rest of the program, but the stock footage was pretty rewarding. It consisted of many reporters firing questions at the little girl, along with the promise of toffees. She is answering in a completely uninterested, distracted manner after long pauses.

Q: Tum kaise mari thi?
A: ....Mein jahaaz mein mari....

Q: Kaise?
A: ...Baraf ke pahaad se takda gayi thi...

Q: Jahaaz pe kahaan gaye the?
A: ...Chandrama pe...

Q: Wahan kya karne gaye thi?
A: ...Dawaii lene...

Q: Kiski dawaii?
A: (Clearly irritated now, snapping in an 'isn't it obvious' tone) Zukaam ki dawai!


(Oh lord. Time to change the channel. Unfortunately, land on India TV)

*India TV 'Breaking News' - 'Mount Abu ka Sabse Sahasi Murga!'

An exclusive on the bravest fighter cock in Mt. Abu. The special thing about this magnificient creature fondly called 'Raja', is apparently its fearlessness in the face of danger from larger animals. As the announcer succintly put it 'Aksar murge kutte se dar jaate hai, par yeh sahasi murga kutte se bhi lad leta hai -khaaskar, khaane ke samay'. Indeed, there is video evidence of this -and we see a fairly scrawny looking white murga brawling with a black mongrel over a plate of food. The cock is getting decidedly the worst of the battle, but that's not the point. After all, he is fighting doggedly - and we always root for the underdog anyway. So, let's hear it for the 'Sabse Sahasi Murga'.

Raja - you're my new hero.

(Change of channel -this time to Headlines Today)

*Headlines Today 'Breaking News' - Monica Bedi released from jail!

...And an exclusive interview is being held with her Bua who is eagerly awaiting her arrival home. The interviewer is accusingly asking the Bua about whether she is making Gobi, Alu Mutter or both to welcome Monica home. He is being assured it is all that and much, much more - a proper Punjabi style feast. In other footage, Monica is seen thanking God, the people from her village Hoshiyarpur, the entire state of Punjab, Tollywood and Bollywood ( in no particular order) for the release, the letters, the support and the film offers she is now getting. I just can't wait to see her in the movies!

I decide I can't take much more of this.

( Come on, now - Let us switch to a more sensible channel - aah, CNN IBN)

*CNN IBN - and many other channels by now - are showing in the swearing in of our new President.

Miss 'I-See-Dead-People' Patil has actually done it. She is honoured with the traditional 21-gun salute - but all 21 bullets, as tradition dictates, miss her.

I know, I know - this time, the news channel can't help it.

However - I am defeated. I give up.

But not before accidentally catching a glimpse of another big piece of news - an elephant having been arrested in Andheri police station in Mumbai...

Ooh, ooh - also, a dastardly plot to kill Himesh Reshammiya is revealed - apparently the four 'shooters' who were to carry out this deplorable act auditioned as contestants on Sa Re Ga Ma, where Himesh is one of the judges.

Unfortunately, I mean, fortunately, the assasins were not good enough singers and didn't make it through the auditions. Which just shows the importance of continuous practice. All I can say is, I am just glad no harm has come to our beloved Himesh. I may not like his music, but who can resist his magical, brooding personality?

I think it may be time to relocate to that place I've been eyeing for a while now.

Please write to me at


  1. Great read, as usual! What about the Japanese tourist, who lodged an FIR (in Varanasi) against a monkey (unknown) who had stolen his sunglasses. Apparently, this was done to enable him to claim money from the insurance company for the loss. The goggles cost him all of Rs.4000. Maybe, he should have just put out a reward for anybody who spotted (and captured) a simian wearing cool shades!!

  2. And I was surfing in the middle of the night one night and you know what Star News is focussing on? Spending hours of tv? What Monice Bedi was wearing all through her ordeal.

    Wow. I can't believe I had gone on for so long without noticing her salwar-kameez phase.

  3. ha ha young duh duh, ha ha!

    oh and i loved the tatti bit :)

    incidentally this godforsaken country was obsessed with paris hilton cos she went to jail for some 43 days or some such thing. typical front oage news was "400 people killed in iraq; israel to invade lebanon; paris has first bowl of jail soup, says it wasn't soupy enough".

  4. Hehehehe.. damn, this is too funny... the news is just amazng, I remember these stupid channels which I refused to switch on after one such sample.... Oh, I got to see this Sa re ga ma pa thing, since we're so religiously following it here in the US! :))

  5. Hilarious- both you and the news:)

  6. LOL! and who says television doesn't educate :)

  7. i've noticed that the news is particularly ridiculous on days that you have nothing better to do!!!

  8. LOL! I gave up watching the news the day I saw a segment - in the main news programme no less - where they were discussing Jassi's (of the serial) trousseau. She's not even a real person!

    My first visit here, but I'm sure I'll be coming back for more!


Hi there. Go on, say it. Well? WELL?