Saturday, March 14, 2015

Conversations

Call me lazy if you will, but I think this compilation of Facebook posts makes for a weekend blog post ;)
Follow www.facebook.com/yashodharalal if you want to see me through the week!

1. Me: 'Will you stop THAT! ...Fickle, don't Piddle!'
Peanut: 'What, Mama? You said Fickle, don't...'
Me: (quickly) ' I did NOT...I said Pickle, Don't Fiddle!'
Papad: (all innocent) what does Piddle mean, Mama?'

2. Me: 'You guys are ready for school so early? That's awesome!'
Pickle: 'Ya, and I did Potty awso!' ( Chorus of 'Me too'! 'Me too'!)
Me: 'Well, that's great...all of you have done, um, Potty in the morning...that's very good.'
Papad: 'I did it FURST!' (Chorus of 'No, Me first! ...I was first!')
Me: 'Now, wait, stop fighting...it doesn't matter...listen...'
Peanut breaks the impasse with the announcement 'Well, I did the MOST!'
(Stunned silence.)

3. Me (singing Papad to sleep, a Beatles song): ''If you don't take her out tonight, she's going to change her mind...''
Papad (sleepily): Mama?
Me (interrupting my musical flow): Um, yes, Papad?
Papad (slurring): Uska Mind kyon change karenge?.. Naya dimaag kaahan se aayega?

4. My desperate attempt to keep my three kids indoors this cold, wet Holi.
'Hey, who wants to watch the DuckTales theme song on Youtube!'
'Me!' 'Me!' 'Me!'
(After 1.5 minutes, I realise this is not going to work and get another idea)
'Who wants to watch an ENTIRE EPISODE of DuckTALES?'
'Me!' 'Me!' 'Me!'
As they settle back happily for 15 minutes and I press the play button, Papad leans over to his twin brother and I hear him whisper out of the side of his mouth.
'Pickle...do you know what is apisode?'

5. Taking the twins to the doctor this morning, along with my maid Rinki.
We're driving along the highway, and I say, pointing to the Airtel Office.
'Look, there's Daddy's old office'
Pickle and Papad are very interested and peer out the window. 'That rainbow one?'
'That's right' I affirm. 'And now, coming up on the right is Mama's new office.'
'Micromax!' Papad shouts excitedly as he sees the logo that he recognizes from my I-card.
'Correct.' And then as we speed along, I spot an old building to the left, next to Signature Towers. 'And that's the Unilever office. You know Mama and Daddy used to work in Unilever?'
They process this piece of information as they stare at the building.
After a few seconds, I announce. 'And there, on the left that's Mama's old office, at Hindustan Times...'
My maid Rinki can no longer hold herself back. 'AAP LOG KITNA OFFICE CHANGE KARTA HAI?'
I mumble something in embarrassment. Vijay spent 12 years in Levers and now 5 years in GSK. I did 6 years in Levers and almost 5 in HT. And yet, we now look like flighty job-hoppers to our maid who's been helping raise the kids for the last 5 years.
It's just that damn highway.

6. Itna Shtylish Lag Ke Kaha Ja Rahe Ho? Jumba class?
(I'll take that as a compliment, my ghaati 4-year old. And no, I'm going to the office)

Friday, March 13, 2015

Zumba Pic courtesy Little Papad



About two months ago, my four year old was hiding behind the door of a small cupboard in my Zumba class, and taking pictures with my phone. And he ended up taking what has become my favourite Zumba pic of all time. I know it looks like I'm doing a Yoga pose here, but it's actually a leg lift, probably during the song 'Bouje'. A friend remarked I look like a particularly zen-like, happy cat and that pretty much sums up what I feel when I'm in the middle of a class!

So basically: Join a Zumba-fitness class near you. You will not regret it. And if you're in Gurgaon and want to join mine, write to me at yashodhara dot lal at gmail dot com :). Mine is a weekend-only class (Saturday-Sunday 9-10 a.m.) ...but the rest of the Zumba @ Delhi Salsa Club team has classes on weekdays too! 

Monday, March 9, 2015

Happy Women's Day To the Women in My Life!

(This article first appeared on Daily O here)

For a good part of my life, I'd say from the age of ten to the age of 30, I maintained that I had a tough time making friends with other women. Most of my friends from school to college to IIM Bangalore to the corporate world were all male.
I mean, let's face it. Women are complex creatures. We're emotional, we're difficult, and oftentimes we're just plain competing with each other. There was my arch-enemy in school who read my secret diary around to the whole class, and then in college, the girl who sneakily took over my lead part in the play, the senior who casually threatened to drop out of our pathetic five-member basketball team unless I stepped aside to let her be team captain. It just became easier to avoid women, and barring a few exceptions, I found my male pals just so much more steady and reliable.
It was especially mystifying for my husband Vijay. "But why do you have so many male friends?" He'd say. "I can't keep up!"
Even when it came to his oldest friends' wives, there'd be a problem. "It's not my fault!" I'd exclaim. "Did you hear what she said to me?" I'd break into a high-pitched whiny imitation "I never thought Lambu would marry a girl like you. I mean…he's so…sweet!" I'd let the implication sink in although Vijay would pretend he didn't get it. It didn't matter. We couldn't possibly hang out in a group with women like that around.
But then - over the last few years, I noticed that things changed, particularly after motherhood and my sabbatical. So much so that now, when I look around, at the age of 35, I see things differently when it comes to the women in my life. And there are suddenly rather many.
My Zumba students. About nine ladies, most of them working women, and all determined to make the most of their weekends when it comes to fitness. An enthu schoolteacher, a television show producer, two writers and publishers, a lawyer. On my birthday, they worked out a surprise choreo to "Happy Birthday" that had me in splits. It was awesome.
Then there's my Buddhist-and-Reiki-healer-and-therapist Anupama and my yoga teacher Apoorva. Over the last couple of years, they both played an instrumental role in my health and well-being and now they've become my friends. Rather different from each other in age and approach, they're both similar in terms of their basic philosophies and unfailing desire to help others and follow their own path. In my opinion, they're shining examples of what the best of the female of the species can be.
Which reminds me - Anupama also introduced me years ago to Kamal Capoor, who runs the Happy School for underprivileged kids in Gurgaon, a fantastic institution changing the future of hundreds of kids through education and love. I cannot tell you how much that kindly, sprightly, white-haired woman inspires and humbles me.
The mommy bloggers. It doesn't even matter that only a few of us blog anymore, but we were there for each other in the days before Facebook, when commenting on blogposts was not only the polite thing to do, but also kinda cool. Today, we're still connected thanks to social media. There are corporate types, stay-at-home-moms, writers, social activists and so on. A sweet bunch and I'll always remember that we once actually held a huge surprise online baby shower together for about four of us, probably the only one I'll ever be a part of.
Gurgaon moms. This is probably one of the most vibrant communities on Facebook, and I'm just so happy to be a part of it. I've asked all sorts of inane questions about furniture, ENT specialists, how to fix a crack in a bathtub, how to get an Aadhar card made, and there's usually a helpful response within minutes. It's become an automatic reaction to post a question here. Move over, Google. Now that's powerful!
The readers of my books. I hate to say it, but the men are few and far between when it comes to reading books by women authors - even though my first book (Just Married, Please Excuse) was about marriage, an institution usually involves some men; and my second book (Sorting Out Sid) was about a man. The women readers keep me going - they often write to me with heart-warming emails, some of them really funny, such as the recent one that read:
"I recently discovered your blog and I had this urge to contact you! SO I put all my stalker qualities to use and sent you a message on FB. But obviously you wouldn't have seen it as the message would have gone under the heading of "Others" (the folder in which you get messages from creepy unknown ppl - like me.) I am not doing a good job of introducing myself."
Also, I love the fact that Indian humour seems to be coming of age, and there are so many women writers out there with their own brand of funny! I'm proud and happy to be amongst them.
And finally, there's my help, all of whom are female. I often feel embarrassed about the number of part-timers and full-timers that I have, although there are three small kids in the house constantly bouncing off the walls. I still wouldn't want to disclose the number, except to say that my brother-in-law Ajay has suggested we get them all uniforms and hold a morning assembly. Without these women to help manage different aspects of my home, I would definitely not have been able to do all the things that I love to do.
All of this isn't even counting my mom, my sister, my sisters-in-law, and my precious few soul sisters. Not to mention, the women at HarperCollins from editorial and marketing and design, who help make and sell better books.
So, Happy Women's Day to all the women in my life, and those many others out there. You must know on this special occasion (and every other day) that you're amazing, an inspiration, and basically, utterly rock this planet. And hey - the fact that I'm finally beginning to appreciate my own kind can mean only one thing - I'm no longer a girl, I'm a grown woman. Yayyy! *Skips around the room excitedly*
PS - In the meantime, most of my men-friends have recently gone and got married and disappeared for a few years into their version of domestic bliss or whatever it is that happens to us when we are first married. I'll check in on them when we're all about 40.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Valentine's Day? Bah, Humbug!

What Scrooge was to Christmas, my husband Vijay is to Valentine’s Day.

Before you jump to the conclusion that he is affiliated to a certain righteous political party that doesn’t approve of young couples holding hands and kissing, let me clarify. Vijay’s problem appears to be more around the meaning of Valentine’s Day itself.

‘I’m in Singapore from the 9th to the 16th,’ he announces to me.

‘Aw.’ I say wistfully. ‘You won’t be here on Valentine’s Day.’

‘Thank God.’ He says, rolling his eyes. This attitude immediately causes me to flare up.

‘Now wait a minute. What does THAT mean? You don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with me?’

‘It’s not that.’ He protests. ‘But what is all the hoo-ha about anyway? It’s just another day.’ He gains both courage and conviction as he speaks and affirms ‘It’s stupid.’

‘Well, I don’t think it’s stupid.’ I say. ‘What’s wrong with having a day to celebrate love?’

‘Bah!’ And for a moment there, I’m sure he’s going to add ‘Humbug.’ But he doesn’t. Instead he continues ‘This was all okay when we were younger, but…’

‘Oh, so you mean that romance has to die now that we’re an old married couple.’ I’m trying to keep from getting upset but it’s not really working. I’ve got my hands on my hips. ‘ Since we’re boring old parents-of-3-kids, there’s no concept of anything to do with fun, spontaneity or surprise, right?’

‘Hey.’ He’s clearly trying to lighten the mood. ‘We’re fun and spontaneous. That’s what led to 3 kids. And weren’t you surprised about having twins? And…’

‘Forget it.’ I mutter and go back to reading my book. Or pretending to read it.

I’m really thinking about whether this is finally it. We’ve been married 12 years now. I’m approaching my 35th birthday. It may actually be time to give up on trying to revive that spark. The first few months of our courting, even the first few years of our marriage. When it was just the two of us, no family, no full-timers, talking late into the nights, aching to get to know each other more fully. Cut to the present, where a lot of the conversation seems to be along the lines of ‘It’s your turn to put them to bed.’

Vijay can see that I’m peeved. Usually his default course of action in such a scenario is to pretend that he hasn’t noticed, in the vague hope that I will come out of it myself.  But today, he seems to sense that it’s cutting a bit deeper than the usual irritation, and ventures. ‘Does this stuff really matter to you?’

‘Nope.’ I say glibly. ‘Just another day, right? How do such little things matter?’

‘Right.’ He says, relieved. ‘Just a little thing. After all, the bigger thing is that we’ve been married eleven years.’

‘Eleven?’ I can’t believe it. ‘It’s our 12th year anniversary this month, and you don’t know that?’

‘Yes, yes,’ He says hastily ‘Eleventh, twelfth, it’s the same thing…’

‘It is NOT the same thing.’ I hiss, slamming down my book. ‘This is too much, Vijay! You don’t understand the value of an important occasion…’

‘Our 12th anniversary is an important occasion?’

‘It ISN’T?’

‘More important than any other anniversary? Now, don’t be silly…’

‘Vijay, just forget it.’ To my surprise, I can feel tears welling up. My husband is not only unromantic, he’s downright callous. ‘ No, the 12thannivesary doesn’t mean anything.’

‘Yes, well, you know, it’s not even like a golden or silver anniversary…although those are silly too, after all, why would…’

‘I DON’T want to DISCUSS it.’ I am totally fed up, and rise in a huff from my bed and start heading out the door. I fumble to put on my shoes near the front door. I can hear him calling me to wait and not be silly and do I know how cold it is outside, but I don’t care. The kids are asleep and I feel like getting some fresh air.

A blast of chilly wind hits me in the face and instantly I’m wishing I had grabbed a jacket on the way. This light sweater won’t let me survive long out here. It’s been a long winter in Delhi. Instinctively I start to walk briskly, and then break into a jog. It’s been a while since I got some exercise out in the open and running always helps to clear my head.

Is it perhaps the fact that my sister just got married, and I am just fresh from the wedding madness, and my own wedding seems now so long ago, and rushed by comparison. The memories have almost faded. There was no Facebook in 2003 either, so I don’t even know now where all those photos are. Were there even digital cameras? I can’t remember if we had one at the time. I pick up the pace and start jogging faster. In pretty good shape for a thirty-five year old has-been, I think to myself grimly. I’m practicing Yoga through the week and teaching Zumba on the weekends, and it helps. What’s the point though? Vijay never remarks on how well-maintained I am beyond saying stuff like ‘Don’t get any skinnier.’ Which is what my Mom says too. So much for that. Or stuff like ‘Wow, is this your Jhansi Ki Rani pose?’ when I’m doing Yoga in the mornings. It actually is the Warrior, but it pisses me off, the way he teases me when I’m trying to be all centered and calm.

The thoughts whirl around in my head and I’m not really watching the road all that closely as I circle around the block, but a quick flash of white fur catches the corner of my eye. Cat, scared by my presence, disappearing over a low wall. And this brings back a memory from last year.

Vijay and I were jogging together in a bid to get more fitness time and togetherness time ( which lasted until the kids decided they also wanted to go on Mama-Daddy’s-night-walk). We were secretly competing with each other to see who woul dlast longer and completed another block without stopping for breath, although we were also occasionally conversing between gasps. Suddenly, a cat, a black one, darted across the road. I know my husband’s idiosyncracies well, and one of them is the tendency to be ridiculously superstitious about things like this.

‘Did you see that?’ he gasped ‘A black cat just crossed the road.’

I was about to protest that we were NOT going to change our route just because of a silly superstition, when I noticed that my husband had instead of slowing down, sped up and shot ahead in front of me. I ran to catch up with him and he was already past the point where the cat had crossed the road.

‘Hey. Wait up.’ I shouted and ran faster myself until I was finally by his side again. ‘What’s with you?’

‘Nothing.’ He muttered, breathing hard. ‘Last round and then we’ll head home?’

I glanced up at his impassive face and he pretended not to notice.

It hit me with a flash as to what he was doing. He sped up and ran across what he considered a bad luck zone. So that he’d be the one to cross it first and not me.

We went home and never spoke about it.

                                                            ******

I’ve slowed down now as I head home. I know now who was the one being silly. I remember reading in a book by Eknath Easwaran, one of my recent discoveries, about how true love is when the well-being of your partner matters to you more than your own. And in that department, I must confess, I feel I have a lot to learn from my older and wiser husband.

He’s stood by me through thick and thin, and that matters a lot more than Candy and Roses and a single day like Valentine’s Day.

I let myself in. He’s waiting in the drawing room for me and making a snack out of some leftoevers, even though it’s pretty late and he has an early morning flight. I come and sit down next to him. There are a few moments of silence.

‘Want a Paneer Pakoda?’ He ventures.

I look at the greasy, cold, unappetizing looking thing he is holding out to me.

‘Okay,’ I say agreeably. As he is handing it over to me, it falls to the carpet.

I bend to pick it up, but he takes it from my hand immediately, replacing it with another with a ‘Here, take this one.’

I smile at him and proceed consume the replacement Pakoda. It tastes pretty good. After a moment, when he thinks I’m not looking, he discreetly brushes off the fallen Pakoda against his sweater once and then pops it into his mouth.

We sit there in contented silence, munching our Pakodas. I’m thinking to myself.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Honey.

I hope someday I can be as romantic as you.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Chapter 2: A Funny Thing Happened...


(This is the second chapter from my draft novel loosely titled 'a Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Growing Up.' Let me know what you think!

Read Chapter 1 here)

                                                              Chapter 2: SchoolDaze

‘Gudia still isn’t up?’

My mother was addressing Kajal, who replied in a surly manner that she had tried three times to awaken me thus far, but that I was simply pretending to be asleep under the blanket. I shut my eyes tighter, trying not to stiffen at the sound of the approaching Mother.

She poked me through the blanket in a rather unloving manner, hissing ‘Gudia. Gudia! It’s already seven fifteen. Wake up!’

I waited a moment before stirring and peeping out through a crack in the blanket. ‘Mama.’ I whispered in a hoarse voice which I hoped sounded fevered. ‘I don’t think I’m well enough to go to school today.’

My mother’s eyes glinted. She put an experienced hand on my forehead which I tried to make hot through sheer will power, but Mama looked unimpressed. Her lips became a determined thin line and she straightened up and said, ‘Well, let’s just take your temperature and see, shall we?’

I nodded weakly, and then looked over at Chanda’s bed. She was still huddled in a corner. I wondered idly why I always had to be first to wake up. Another thorn in my side. However, it was a fact that the reason Chand slept huddled in a corner was that she still wasn’t used to having her own bed.

In the days when the three of us used to have to share a double bed, my brother and I were fiercely possessive of our respective sides of the bed. The arrival of Baby Chanda was not viewed as a positive event when it came to night-time and she was duly plonked in the middle of the bed. We spent a really long time bickering about how she was taking up more space than warranted on a particular side – eventually we came to a solution – Chand would have to sleep with her butt-crack exactly aligned with the middle of the bed, the line dileneated by where the two gaddas met. It was an extremely satisfactory compromise, we thought. Except for Chanda, of course, who muttered so resentfully in a continuous low monotone that one might have been forgiven for thinking she was somehow related to Kajal.

Mother returned with a thermometer and I popped it under my mouth. I was counting on the fact that Mom had better things to do than hang around and wait while the mercury rose. I was right. She disappeared into her room for a minute. Now was my chance. I glanced around to make sure no one was looking, and popped the thermometer under my bed-lamp, holding it as close to the bulb as I could. I could feel the heat against my fingers and just hoped the thermometer wouldn’t explode. I had a strong feeling this was going to work.

My sister stirred and I glanced sharply at her. If she woke up now and asked what I was doing, there would be no time for explanations or to buy her over before Mom came in. The sound of mother’s footsteps made it a moot point and I quickly popped the thermometer under my throat again. It felt satisfyingly warm.

I sighed softly as mother extracted the thermometer from my mouth and examined it. I closed my eyes, waiting expectantly for her to pronounce that I was far too ill to go to school today.

There was a long silence. Unable to wait any more, I opened one eye and looked up at Ma who was frowning at the thermometer and not looking particularly happy. She looked at me a trifle suspiciously and I immediately looked as forlorn and sick as I could. She ‘Hmmmed’ and then appeared to make up her mind. Brightening, she said ‘You’re fine. Come on, get ready. Off you two go to school.’

This wasn’t possible. ‘Ma!’ I protested ‘I’m sure I have fever. What does the thermometer say?’

The glint in the eye was back and it was dangerous this time. In carefully measured tones, she said ‘It says that somebody might be trying a little too hard to sham their way out of school. Again.’

That was it. It was no use. In my mind, I said ‘Curses. Foiled Again.’ Because those were the days that I used to read Champak comic and the big bad wolf always used phrases like that when he failed to trap an innocent rabbit into becoming his dinner.

Off to school it would be.

                                                            ******

School wasn’t what it used to be, I thought a trifle nostalgically as we waited at the bus stop. I kicked at a small stone, scuffing my shined black shoes. Chanda and Gudia were magically transformed into Gitanjali and Yashodhara, by virtue of being dressed in our blue school uniforms, with the belts that bore the school’s emblem and the words ‘We Soar to Achieve.’ I often wondered idly what this really meant, but I had to admit it sounded kind of cool and went well with our school symbol – the Eagle.

In the old days, I could have fooled myself into thinking that I somehow identified with that regal bird. After all, when I was in the top grade at the Primary School, it had been kind of like that, lording it over the swarm of smaller kids. I was never considered for Prefect or any important position, but there was a certain respect that age commanded and by George, we were the oldest in that whole building. Apart from the ancient, decrepit teachers there but they didn’t really matter, and were merely a minor inconvenience.

Things were different now in the Senior school. A year had passed but it didn’t look like it was going to get any easier. The teachers were still either too strict or too sour, and the classwork looked like it was getting harder and harder. I wouldn’t really know because the classwork was also mindnumbingly boring and couldn’t hold my attention for more than three minutes at a time.  I spent most of my time daydreaming and glancing at the clock to see if it was time for recess yet, and after recess, if it was time to go home yet. Clearly, I wasn’t alone in this because while my marks never shone through for the obvious reason that I never studied, I managed to stay just above the class average. Mother dear was constantly unimpressed by the 75% that I regularly brought home on report cards, but I was unmotivated to try any harder.

In the bus, my mind wandered back to Nisha Ma’am. Nisha Ma’am had been my first grade teacher and the only teacher worth her salt in that wretched institute, in my personal opinion. She had taken charge of me on the first day, making me comfortable and actually personally dropping me off onto the bus herself for the first few days until I began to figure things out and stopped the heartrending weeping. I was filled with a feeling of warmth towards Nisha Ma’am even now when I thought about her.

She was a very nice lady but not a very subtle one. I remembered how at the first PTA meeting she looked at my father and exclaimed ‘Oh, but you DO have hair after all.’

My father had naturally been taken aback and not altogether flattered by the remark. Nisha Ma’am had gone on to brightly explain to him that all the Grade 1 students had been assigned the task of observing the colour of their Dad’s hair and coming back the next day to draw it in class. Little Yashodhara had apparently come into the class and solemnly declared the task was impossible for her to complete since her father’s head was devoid of any hair whatsoever.

My Dad, who was a trifle sensitive about his balding tendency, and out to me later that he did have some hair. ‘Look.’ He pointed behind his ears, turning his head slightly so that I could have a better view. ‘There it is. Black hair. Quite a bit of it. See now?’

I nodded dutifully as if noticing it for the first time and he said, a little less gently. ‘Next time, don’t tell your Ma’am that your Daddy doesn’t have any hair at all. Or no money for canteen.’

                                                               *****

Despite the fact that I was a bit of a trial as a child, my father had a soft corner for me. He also harbored the deep and enduring hope that I would end up a doctor like him, and his father. I somehow really doubted that, but I didn’t want to disappoint Dear old Dad so I pretended that being a doctor was right up there in my list of things to do in the future, along with becoming a Champion Basketball Player, Genius Rock Star and Astronaut.

We reached the school, and it was time for Gitanjali and I to part ways. At the gate, I turned to her and said, seriously as usual. ‘You’re on your own now, kid. Walk away and go to your school.’ She was still in the Primary Wing. ‘We can’t be seen together else I will be associated with you and since that would really brand me as an unmitigated loser, I won’t have it.’ Those might have not been my exact words, but the gist was similar.

Today, little Chanda was being rebellious though. Usually, she would adjust her bag strap and walk away from me slowly without a backward glance. But now, she set her little chin resolutely and continued to walk by my side, matching me step for step.

‘What are you doing?’ I squeaked at her. ‘People will see us together.’

‘So what?’ She said carelessly, and everything about her attitude said that she was ready to finally start living life on the edge. ‘I’m your sister.’

‘But no one else has to know.’ I cried, glancing around to see if anyone was watching. How humiliating it would be if they made the association between cool me and this little ponytailed primary school drip.

The drip refused to evaporate though, and even though I lowered my head and quickened my step, she stayed with me right upto the point that I reached my own House line in the assembly. ‘So long, sister!’ She cried brightly making sure that everyone around for miles heard, while I cringed in embarassment. Finally, she trotted off towards her own school where she belonged, leaving me for once as the one seething in resentment and muttering malevolently, Kajal-style.

‘That’s your little sister?’ asked the House Captain, looking after her. ‘So cute.’

I couldn’t believe it. The House Captain was speaking to me and this time it wasn’t to tell me my nails were too long or that I was late yet again. I nodded along mutely, turning red and then starting to preen. Gitanjali Lal was so cute. Of course. After all, she was my sister.

                                                            *****

If there was anything more boring than classwork at School, it would have to be the Assembly. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other restlessly. Despite the horrible summer heat of Delhi, we were expected to stand there for over 45 minutes every single day, listening to sanctimonious preaching and other nerdy kids who had been nominated, or worse, even volunteered to read out the day’s headlines. There were prayers, songs and speeches. It didn’t really seem to matter that every single day, at least one or two children were dropping like flies from the heat and dehydration. They would simply be picked up by the more well-built of the Prefects and transported to the Sick-Room to be given some sickly sweet Rasna or some other such healing concoction. I often wished that I would be amongst the lucky ones to faint, but it didn’t happen to me, and even though I had practiced falling down after swaying dramatically at home, I didn’t dare actually try it out there on the Assembly field. The teachers there were even scarier than Mom. Okay, that was pushing it, but they came close and one thought of someone accusing me of Shamming here was enough to quell any such fancy ideas for me. I still didn’t exactly know what Shamming was, but it was not favorably looked upon by adults, that much I had gathered.

The painful assembly ended with a painful rendition of the National Anthem. I was of course too cool to actually sing along and therefore I just mouthed the words listlessly. Like most days, today Kavitha S stood in front of me, her long oiled pigtails and the rim of her glasses glistening in the bright sunlight in front of me. She sang along loudly and tunefully, with a strange combination of solemnity and heart that made me want to kick her hard in the seat of the pants. Well, she didn’t wear pants of course, but a skirt like me, only about twice as long and I often imagined us standing right at the back of the line, and me suddenly pushing her over to topple all the kids in front of us like hapless dominoes. Like with most other of my fanciful ideas, I didn’t have the courage to execute.

Senior school was clearly turning me into a gutless little coward.

                                                                         *****

The hours passed slowly, with class after class. We had no PT period today. What a pity. At these those 40 minutes, happily spent out on the playground would have been a respite from the teachers, whose style of imparting wisdom largely comprised of getting students to read paragraphs out loud from textbooks that made no sense whatsoever.

The subjects all blended into each other in my head and recess came and went far too quickly. And as I listlessly checked the class timetable in my diary to see what was coming up in the second half the day, time suddenly started to speed up and move too quickly. The last period of the day was Maths.

Maths was taught by Chandru. Mrs. Chandrashekar. The bane of my existence. Why did we have to have the wretched subject every single day? The logic of the subject totally escaped me, and I was rendered further helpless by the fact that Chandru, being the perceptive sort, had long ago identified me as an A-1 trouble-maker and no-good-for-nothing-nik. While I had no desire to argue with her on this front, it irked me that she couldn’t just let me alone like the other teachers who either regarded me with an indulgent sense of humour or just plain couldn’t care less. There was no way to win with Chandru and therefore Maths was the only homework I actually ever did at home.

‘Ready to be scolded again today, Yashu?’ Asked Ankur, who sat next to me in class.

Ankur was a small kid, an inch shorter than me but with an ego that surpassed what I had heard about the proportions of the Great Wall of China. Everyone knew that he was from a rich family – he smuggled the latest Hot Wheels into class and showed them off, and his Uniform always looked shiny and new. He told us that he had 30 of them, one for each day of the month. I suspected this to be a lie, but never confronted him about it. Ankur had made it clear that his father could buy our fathers and I didn’t want that.
‘I won’t be scolded.’ I retored out of the side of my mouth. ‘I’ve done my homework.’ And I didn’t even have to hire someone else to do it for me like you, I thought spitefully.

Chandru entered the class like the silent snake that she was. Well, she was actually a brown, round creature who looked rather like a human hedgehog. Or a porcupine, with her prickly sarcastic remarks that left even the boldest student speechless, quivering at the knees, reduced to a mere pudding made solely out of shame. With such a gift, there was no doubt she had been born to be a teacher at this particular institute.

The first thing she did was to throw me a glance of pure, intense dislike. Perhaps I imagined it, but I thought she always started the class with this. She then called out attendance in a bored manner. Snapping the register shut, she instructed all of us to bring our Homework notebooks to her desk and leave them for corrections before she started the day’s final lesson.

I looked through the brown-paper covered notebooks in my bag. I knew I had put it in here last night. It was the only notebook I cared about. It was the only notebook that was no longer there. My mouth went dry and the digging about in my bag became more frantic. Where was it? It couldn’t be. I had done those damned algebra thingies, I had even asked Mom to glance over them and see if they were anywhere close to correct.

Mom. Of course. She had said she would do it later. And then I had become engrossed in a game of German-Referree. There was no mystery about it anymore. That honest, virtuous attempt at a pre-correction round with mother had put me in this soup. But surely, Chandru would understand.

Ha ha ha ha ha, I was already laughing hysterically in the head and it took Chandru a while to make herself heard.

‘Eshodhara.’ It cut through sharply like a knife into my consciousness. ‘Where is your homewark? I spose you have not done it and have a new excuse?’

‘Ma’am.’ I swallowed as I stood up, ignoring Ankur’s snarky giggling. ‘I…did it, but I left it at home.’

‘Of course.’ Chandru’s voice was so sarcastic and dangerous that even Deeksha, the class dunce laughed along with the others. Chandru continued, for the purpose of entertaining the rest of the class. ‘I thought you might have come up with something a little more imaginative. Are you sure the Tooth Fairy didn’t pay a visit and pick up the wrong thing last night?’

It wasn’t even funny but the class laughed louder at this. I had only vaguely heard of the term Nuclear Bomb but I felt certain that it was something I would want to bring to school one day for the express purpose of blowing up these people.

Chandru appeared to lose her taste for this game and simply snapped at me. ‘Bring me your diary. I will have to write to your mother again.’ She spat out the worst abuse that she could think of toward me. ‘Buddhu.’

She pronounced it Buddu in her distinctive South Indian way and I knew the next day I would be hearing it repeated constantly courtesy my kind and sympathetic classmates. I glanced up at the clock and my eyes boggled. Still 30 whole minutes of class-time left before the Dismissal Bell rang. Chandru ignored me for the rest of the class, but my ears were ringing constantly anyway with her own personal Dismissal Bell of ‘Buddu.’


Yes - I mentally kicked at another stone, and sighed morosely to myself - School definitely wasn’t what it used to be.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Wannabe Author


'So what do I do if I want to get my book published?'

It's been a tiring day and this is the fortieth time that I have answered this question in the last three years.

But she is currently travelling with me in the car and it is my mission to be unfailingly polite with regard to this particular question. Especially considering how mystified I was myself about the whole process just a short while ago.

'You make sure you're happy with what you've written, first. And maybe if you like, I can introduce you to my publisher.' I pause for a moment and then add, gently. 'Although you know, all publishers have their own websites with the email IDs that you have to send your manuscript to.'

'Okay.' She nods seriously. 'And what about an editor?'

'They will assign you an editor, of course.'

'Hmmm.' She bites her lip, looking like she's considering something. 'So do I have to wait?'

'Well, they make you wait a while.' I confess. 'It took me months the first time round, and...'

'No, no. I mean, will I have to wait till I'm fifteen to write it?'

'Oh.' I look at her. 'No, you can write it even now.'

'NOW?' She says, wide-eyed. 'They're allowed to publish my book even when I'm THIS small?'

'Sure.' I say. Her excitement is infectious and my mind is whirring already. 'Sure, you go ahead and write your book and I'll help you find a publisher, and...'

'Okay, Ma! And you know what? When I have a daughter, I'm going to name her Nayani and when I have a son, I'm going to name him Kojum-koja!'

I sit back and listen to Peanut chatter about the story of Kojum-koja that they heard in school today. It doesn't feel like the end of a tiring day anymore. Heck, I'm ready for a whole another day right now. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Intelligent Conversations



Papad: Masi, why you mallied Shaunak Uncle?
My sister: Well, because I love him.
Papad: Don't you love US?
Sis: Of course, I do...
Papad: Why didn't you mally US?
Sis: Erm, I ...I can't...
Papad (pointing his little finger at her): I'll mally you, okay? I'll send you a message.

*****

Pickle: Are you CLAZY?
Papad: Nevel in my LIFE..
Pickle: Are you CLAZY?
Papad: Nevel in my LIFE.
Me: What are guys doing?
Both look at me blankly and then Pickle volunteers: We playing Are you CLAZY Nevel in my LIFE.

*****

Peanut: So mama if the earth is the mother, the moon is the uncle, right?
Me: Whose uncle?
Peanut: The moon.
Me: No, I mean, whose Uncle?
Peanut: Who's Uncle, I'm telling you MOON is Uncle.
Me: (frustrated) Peanut, I'm saying WHOSE UNCLE IS THE MOON.
Peanut: (more frustrated) I DON'T KNOW WHO IS THE MOON'S UNCLE!!!

*****

Me: Pickle, say Tree?
Pickle: Tlee
Me: No. It's high time you learned how to say 'rrrr' 
Pickle: Lllll
Me: Tree!
Pickle: TLEE
Me: Tree...
Pickle: TWEE...
Me: Okay, good, getting close...TREE
Pickle (frustrated): Abbey, PED HAI! 
(Runs away leaving me defeated, yet again)

******

I wake up bright and cheery today. It's a cold foggy day but I'm determined to get a good start to the morning. 

I walk out and see my kids at the dining table. All three of them, already dressed for school, like little angel-eskimos. They look up at me with their adorable little grins. 

Peanut is the first to speak. She's bubbling over with enthusiasm as she exclaims, 

''Mama! Tonight I dreamed you were DEAD.' 

Good morning, everyone.

******

P.S - Crossposted the last two from my facebook page. Check it out and join for more regular updates than the blog :)