Papad (Indignant): 'You won't believe what the kids in my class keep doing while teacher is teaching! Someone has a dog in their lap! Someone is eating popcorn during storytime! Someone...'
Me : didn't I see YOU eating popcorn?
Papad (casually) : ya, that one was me.
Pickle (Sighing) : 'Such a tough day. We learned SO much stuff.'
Me : what did you learn?
Pickle : I learned a lot about - what's that - oh ya Gattedi - Gattedi.
Peanut (all the irritation of older sibling, snapping at her brother) :Oh, for heaven's sake, Galileo Galilei, you moron.
2. Twin Things
Pickle (waving out at a kid out cycling solo) : Hey, Hey, Victor! Hi!
Cycling Victor-kid : 'Hello there Papad. ( Breezes past and calls back) Or whoever you are.'
Pickle (mournfully): Mom, I have a problem.
Pickle: I can't roast my brother properly. Because if I say he looks like a buttface, it means I also look like one. It's not fair.
Me: You're right. This is a real big problem. Life is unfair.
Pickle (satisfied): Yeah
Papad (in middle of conversation with his sister): ....and I'm Papad, by the way.
Peanut ( snapping, of course): I KNOW who you are.
Me (upset with Pickle): Stop doing that! Just go!
Pickle ( gets angry and locks himself in bathroom).
Me ( calming down): Is your bro still in the bathroom?
Papad ( calmly): Yip.
Me: Is he doing potty?
Me: How do you know?
Papad: I know - because he's locked the door.
(Peanut and me keel over laughing. Papad just doesn't get why its funny)
3. Home Schooling Fails
Me (Finishes long patient explanation): And that's how you calculate averages. Get that?
Vijay (Stepping in finally): Pickle, if there are 100 runs in 20 overs, what's the average run rate?
Pickle: Oh Run rate? Five!
(Papad meanders in)
Me: Papad, do you know averages!
Papad (scornfully): Of course I know averages. It's like if there are three,four,five then four is the average.
Me (soothed by his confidence): Okay, very good.
Papad (whispers) Like Average Kill Streak in RoBlox.
Peanut (after lights are out, quizzing her brothers): Name SIX countries that speak Spanish.
Papad ( Eager): I know I know! Spain...Italy...
Peanut: Oh My GOD! Do you know anything?
Pickle (Emerges from bathroom after pretending to brush teeth): What, what? Ask me.
Peanut: Name SIX countries that speak Spanish.
Pickle (Eager): I know, I know! Spain...Italy...
Peanut: Oh My GOD YOU GUYS.
4. All Seeing, All Knowing
Papad: What is my teacher calling tomorrow's online meeting for? What is she going to say?
Me (Amazing parent mode on): How should I know? I can't tell the future.
Pickle: But Mom. You're the ONLY one who can tell the future.
Pickle: Yeah, you decide if we get any screen time tomorrow or not...if we can play baddy in the house...you can tell the future!
5. Peanut Gets Her Own Back
Me: ...and just because there's a lockdown it doesn't mean that you operate without any sort of schedule and laze around in the afternoons and don't even
Peanut ( leaves the room breezily): Thanks mom. Good talk, good talk.
Peanut: Want to hear something funny?
Me: I'm all agog.
Peanut: I just told the twins about sex-ed class.
Me (trying not to look worried): Well, that's good that you can actually give them a heads up on what to expect.
Peanut ( practically bursting) I told them they'll be invited as volunteers!
Me (getting horrified): For what?
Peanut: You know, to explain the anatomy.
Peanut: Oh you know. I told them they'll have to show the class their family jewels. You should have seen how freaked they were!
Me: That is NOT FUNNY.
I ask her to make a sign for the bathroom door.
6. The Man of the Family is Always Prepared
Lockdown is announced for next day. Vijay disappears immediately.
Me (calling him on phone) Where are you?
Vijay: Stocking up on supplies.
(Comes home a while later, looking relieved)
Me: What did you get? Bread, Eggs...
Vijay ( looks surprised): Nope. Got my Glenlivet. Phew!
Vijay : (Pours himself a drink)
Me: Every night. Seriously?
Vijay: It's just an appetizer.
Me: But you're in the middle of your dinner right now!!
Vijay: (grins) Cheers!
7. Pickle learns to Email